LOST...ISH

Since I moved to Toronto - or perhaps it's better if I say that it has been since leaving Kingston, I have had trouble figuring out where I belong. For some reason finding my place always seemed easier. It was actually easier, no doubt, because I was in school and it was easier to fall into a certain space.

In Kingston I had school, work, volunteer experiences and friends. With the move to Toronto I lost the volunteer aspect to my routine. I think that this is where I began to lose myself. But losing the volunteering was for a good reason - I had to focus on school so that I could do well and get a good job.

Now it is coming up on two years since I graduated, and the job aside, I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be. *exactly where you are* are the words that begin to run through my head. But something feels like it's missing.

Sometimes I say that it's a group of solid friends that I see often. When I lived in Kingston I began to keep my friends separate. At the time it was a sort of defense mechanism from letting too many people know me too well. Secrets, so many secrets. lol. Well, even now I keep my friends separate and all I really want is a group of people. People who know me. I love my current friends - I really do. But something is missing.

The volunteering. I think that it made me feel like I had some extra purpose. Work gives me a purpose, but all work and no play... Not that volunteering is necessarily a play thing, but it is something outside of work where you can help people and be a part of the community. I do miss that. My stumbling block with that is that I don't want to do what I did before. Tutoring. I enjoyed it, and I would probably enjoy it again, but I'd like something different.

It's no secret that since I came out to people that I have had trouble figuring out where I fit in. Oddly enough as I watch this current season of 90210 the character Teddy is going through the very same thing. He has just come out of the closet and is no longer sure where to go or what to do. He doesn't fit into his old 'straight' life, and he isn't really attracted to what is being offered to him in the gay community.

The trouble really is, where do you find the answer? What do you do when you don't feel connected to either group? There are certain things that I do know. I love coffee shops and pubs. I like to cook and go to the gym. I'd really like to fall in love, get married, and given the right circumstances (partner, job, etc.) I would probably want a kid or two. But there's a big gap in between coffee shops and babies.

And that's where I am right now. I don't want my entire life to be work - but honestly, I don't really know what else to do with myself at the moment. It's not even necessarily a complaint... It's just something that has always been on my mind - and has been even more so over the last couple of weeks.

More of my posts over the next little while will probably be talking about this. I guess there's still a lot I've kept bottled up and hidden, despite thinking that I have been pretty open and honest. The only way that I will figure out where I'm supposed to be is to embrace the feelings that I have. If I have the urge to do something different then I should do it. Nothing will ever change if I keep living life the exact same way.

Who knows, maybe the Teddy-90210 storyline will give me the answer. lol. (You can watch the entire clip below --- or skip to 4:30 to the part where Teddy talks about not knowing where he fits in anymore).


Later all... ;)